Project Millstones: Humor Time

Project Millstone Archives
Return to Current Millstones

Introducing the New Staff-development Rage: the InCompetence Model

A tongue-in-cheek view of some of the assessment items of the Certified Incompetent, an imaginary new evaluation of employees, to be administered by their managers (who must also be evaluated). This is an edited list, with the most offensive items removed.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus —- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

... Testing

These are allegedly real answers to a science exam. Allegedly, real children
took the exam.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,
I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district inRome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight..

Lessons Learned

1. How Do You Catch A Unique bird?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame bird?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!

5. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

8. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

9. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.

10. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

11. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

12. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

13. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

14. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(kids' responses to this and other really important questions)

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. — Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. — Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich. — Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. — Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. — Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. — Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? — Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. — Ricky, age 10

Looks Like It Has Finally Happened ...

Thought for the Week

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

...From an asapm Board Member who shall remain anonymous

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze those dangly things here, and drink whatever the hell comes out!"
• Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it!"
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut...why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  
• Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you try singing the two songs above?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

... Just in case you didn't have enough to worry about.

Think You Know Everything? Think Again!

• A snail can sleep for three years.
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle;—a group of geese in the air is a skein.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time: 1/100th of a second.
  
  
• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
  the back of the $5 bill.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They appear at age 2 to 6.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
  
  
• Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors.
  
  
• Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump.'
• Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; "lollipop" with your right.
  
  
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
  
  
• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
  
  
• There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
• TYPEWRITER the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

... now you know more, but you still don't know everything.

Perfect for Project Managers

Gee, I wonder what the maintenance contract on this software costs ...

 

---

The year is 1903 ... one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1903:

• The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
• Only 14 Percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st- most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
  
• The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
• The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
  
• Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
• The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
• One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
  

From Amazon.com

Above is part of the page that resulted from a search on "Guide to the Project Management Body Knowledge" (note the heading). While we're familiar with Lite, Extreme and Agile project management approaches, this page suggests there must be other innovative project strategies that we've been missing.

Earned Value Tracking

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15.

Early Start/Early Finish

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

---