Project Millstones: Humor Time

Understanding Project Managers
Courtesy of William Duncan; as the primary author of the original 'bok guide, He should know!

Duncan is our favorite; follow him to improve your lead in
the intelligent practice of Project ad Program Management.

Understanding Project Managers - Take One

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Project Managers - Take Two

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Project Management degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Project Managers - Take Three

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Project Managers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

Understanding Project Managers - Take Four

An architect, an artist and a project manager were discussing whether it was better
to have a wife or a lover. The architect spoke in favor of a wife, reasoning that
marriage meant an enduring relationship and happiness for the rest of his life. 

The artist spoke in favor of a lover, because of the passion and mystery to be found
there. The project manager said, "I think you should have both. That way, they will
both assume I'm with the other, and I can go to the office and get some work done."

Understanding Project Managers - Take Five

A project manager was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to her and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a handsome prince." She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week."

The project manager took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I'll stay with you for a week and be your love slave." Again the project manager took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a handsome prince, and that I'll stay with you for a week and be your love slave. Why won't you kiss me?" The project manager said, "Look, I'm a project manager. I don't have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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Entertainment Time: Yeti and Penguin!

Silly game, we resisted posting this, but the Penguin seems to enjoy it. How does
it tie in to Project Management? It is a great example of the importance of timing.
Just like in projects, your sense of timing is everything in improving performance!

Here's how it works... Click the picture to go to this Macromedia Flash game.
Note that this Flash game may have problems in Internet Explorer; if so, try it in Firefox.

Click the Yeti to shoulder the bat and get the Penguin to jump;
click again to swing the bat and launch the Penguin.

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G'day Mate, from our Friends in Oz ...

The Claim: The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q:  Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday Night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Note: The Aussies are lying about this one. They have many killer snakes. And spiders. And wombats. And 'roos. I think they want to kill tourists.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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The Heaviest Element Yet, Just Discovered

Breakthrough research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Editor's note: With our background in Government, we actually thought this went a bit far; but in the April Fool's tradition, we posted it anyway!

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Abbot and Costello Updated

If Bud Abbott& Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and manage projects. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............

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cna yuo raed tihs?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Ed. note: Gee, I thought this was something from my teenage son! To see
a little more background, see this link from a real Cambridge researcher. It appears that the first several sentences are more recent additions, because they do not appear in the link, and they do not follow all the rules (the "if"). Perhaps Project Communication Management is easier than we thought!

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Illusionary Illumination

Step 1: Watch the movement of the rotating pink dot.

Step 2: Next, stare at the black "+" in the center. What happens to the moving dot?

Step 3: Continue staring at the black "+" all the pink dots disappear.

There really is no green dot, and the pink ones don't really disappear. Proof that we often see things that don't exist, and (if we concentrate too hard) fail to see things that should be obvious. Just like in Project and Program Management!

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Reengineered Requirements For Your Word Processor

Tom Hathaway, managing partner of Requirements Solutions Group, has documented the secret requirements (using reverse-engineering) for the word processing program he (and many of the rest of us) uses. See how many of these requirements you can recognize!

The system should capture my keystrokes and render them electronic thereby allowing me to store them in files that I can never find again.


The system should allow me to change the files I have created and automatically save the changes in places that I would never think to look.


The system should automatically check my spelling while I type and distract me by red-lining any incorrectly spelt word.


The system should offer spelling alternatives for a red-lined word to further confuse me by suggesting words that I never even knew existed.


The system should auto-magically switch languages whenever my misspellings approach proper French, German or Italian words and assume that I meant to become proficient in that language. (Since I am fluent in German, I am astounded at the translated suggestions it offers.)


Once it has switched languages, the system should then assume that everything I wrote up to that point has to be rechecked to ensure that my text meets the spelling rules for this new language, adding additional comfort to my eyes with more red lines.


The system should further confound me by refusing to offer spelling suggestions for words that are not red-lined but for which I want to check the spelling in advance to avoid the red-line distraction.


The system should automatically inform me of grammatical strokes of genius by green-lining passages for no apparent reason.


The system should hone my social skills by telling me why it chose to green-line my text with cryptic messages that I have to call my 8th grade English teacher to translate for me.


The system should automatically format my text into bulleted lists, paragraphs, pages and tables in such a manner that it can truly confound my every effort to achieve a page break where I want it.


The system should wow me by numbering my numbered lists in such a way that amazes me and, again, removes any temptation to comprehend the rationale let alone manipulate the numbering to meet my needs.


Finally, the system should offer hope by allowing me to modify any and all settings and then confound me by hiding this flexible feature behind a barrage of menu entries and secret key strokes.


Oh, and one more thing. The system should be re-released every few years, just when I start to get the hang of it but before I gain the level of proficiency to which I strive and the new release should offer the same functionality as the old but better disguised behind yet again different modes of interaction such as “ribbons”.

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Word Play—or Terse Verse!

  1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  2. A backward poet writes inverse.
  3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  7. A woman needs a lover just to break the monogamy.
  8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
15. What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway.)
16. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
17. In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down  under.
25. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
26. Every calendar's days are numbered.
27. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
28. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
29. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
30. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
32. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
33. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
34. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
35. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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Bird Flu Strikes Florida!

Explanation, for those unaccustomed to American Humor and unusual practices: These are plastic Flamingos, very popular as a yard decoration in Sunny Florida. Don't worry, they are not real birds.

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Pilot Projects

After every flight, Qantas Pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," that tells the Maintenance Engineers about problems with the aircraft. The Maintenance Engineers correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then Pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by the Engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineer: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineer: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineer: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineer: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineer: Evidence removed.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineer: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineer: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineer: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
Engineer: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineer: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineer: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ... Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineer: Took hammer away from midget.

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Anguished English

Communication Skills are one of a Project Manager's greatest competences. And yet, under
pressure, we sometimes fracture our English. These are from the book Anguished English by Richard Lederer.

"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe in his 100 foot clipper."

"In a recent edition we referred to the Chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo.
His real name is Lee Iacaacaa. The Gazette regrets the error."

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]?

Police Begin Campaign to run down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think]?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought]!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[That'll Teach 'em!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

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Advanced Project Manager Competences, continued...

Yet another survival skill of effective Project Managers is your ability to blend in with the project team, and demonstrated success in doing so. This is much easier when your vision is strong, and you can keep everyone headed in the same direction.

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500 Years of Lessons Learned

Many of today's common phrases and fixtures have their basis in everyday life of the 1500's. See the (allegedly true) examples below. 

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and for some, death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !

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Project Manager's Stress Test

Review the three images below. The slower the pictures appear to move, the better (allegedly) your ability to handle stress. Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still. One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving... but slowly. Kinda like, they were breathing." 
 
Regardless, none of these images are animated - they are perfectly static.